Mine Mine Mine

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out that Yahoo Answers! is full of people looking for advice on all sorts of subjects. I present this letter in all it’s un-edited glory.


My mom is renting my sister room cause she moving out and she knows I really want it and she said she going to rent it out to people she doesn’t know if she has to. I think it kinda ****** up that she is doing that.the big problem is that I don’t want a stranger living in my house when my room will be 5 feet away from it . And my mom said it will be a girl it doesn’t matter we can be robed or molested and i have been molested and I dont want it to happen again and it doesn’t matter if it a girl bad things can still happen am I wrong I talked to my mom and if I can’t confence her I’m just going to make sure every person that moves in I will make them move out am I wrong for being mad? Help me please !.!

Shut the fuck up, kid. You throw around the word “my” a lot.  It’s not your anything.  Until you pay the bills and stop being a deadbeat, you get no say.  Nut up. Times are tough. You’re bitching about not getting your choice of room and living with strangers when right now, there are hundreds of starving desperate illegal immigrants in container ships SHITTING IN BUCKETS who would slit your fucking throat open to just deal with your pathetic little problems.

You know who else probably doesn’t want a stranger in your house? Your mom. She probably has to so she can keep the roof over your ungrateful head.  She obviously is sparing her little prince the stress of her financial problems, but 23% of people are underwater on their mortgages, and it looks like your mom is one of them.  So go ahead and try and “make sure every person that moves in moves out,” because you’ll be right behind them. You know what else isn’t fun?  Foster care. Thats where you’ll end up if you drive away your family’s only means of support and you lose the house.

You want help.  Here it is.  Stop making things harder for your poor mother than they already are and get a fucking job. You might actually learn something, since the fry cook next to you probably has a PhD and only took the shitty job because it was all that is available.

Oh, and stop telling people you were molested so casually.  It makes people not believe you.  I sure don’t.  You’ve already said you’re a manipulator who will do what it takes to get rid of people you don’t like. You know who gets molested?  Kids that keep their mouths shut.  Not whiny little crybabies that go bitching to anyone that will listen when they don’t get their way.


Snopes is Your Friend


DEAR MISS MANNERS: At least several times a month, I receive “warnings” from well-intentioned friends. These are usually messages that have been forwarded many, many times, containing alerts about computer viruses, credit card scams, health issues, dying children yearning for business cards and the like.

Trouble is, that when I check the accuracy of these well-meaning messages, the vast majority turn out to be false alarms, many of which have been circulating for years.

Of course I always ignore the “please forward this to all your friends,” but what do I do vis-a-vis the sender? It seems rude to return a message telling them they’ve alarmed folks unnecessarily, but my not doing so simply encourages them to continue the practice of sending on unverified information.

Miss Manners follows up with some good advice

GENTLE READER: The phrase you need, if you wish to alert your friends to their mistakes, is “You will be relieved to hear that…”

Miss Manners’ idea here is to show sympathy for their concern, thus enabling you to explain how you found out, thus possibly encouraging them to check themselves before sending out the alarm.

So, we have a reader with a relatable problem, a nice tidy answer.  All should be good.

But I have to drive home a point.  While you can ignore these warnings all you like.  ALWAYS CHECK THEM OUT before you respond.

A few weeks ago, the following warning showed up in my email from a friend of my mom.

Yesterday I received a strange phone call. The man politely explained that he was a technician for Windows and that they had received complaints lately that Windows was causing a problem with their computers and he was calling to repair the problem. He asked me to sit at my computer and he would tell me what to do to fix the problem. Anyone who knows me will know that I question every little thing that involves even a whiff of a hoax, so I questioned the polite man on the other end of the phone. Why was he calling me? Why hadn’t the Windows company made it known that a problem existed with their program? Were they calling every person with Windows on their computer (which would have been in the millions, since every computer sold has a Windows program in it)? Why didn’t I receive notice that a Windows rep would be calling me? In the end he was a little jangled by my questions, but kept quietly insisting that I just sit at my computer, turn it on and follow his instructions. I told him I don’t do anything like this over the phone and would check with my provider if his claim was valid. He said my provider had nothing to do since it was a Windows problem. In the end he (again) politely thanked me and hung up. Of course, I went to my computer and entered Windows scam. There it was!

It’s a scam that has been going on since 2008. A “windows tech” (exactly what the man had claimed to be) calls to help cleanse your system of the problem caused by windows. He will ask you to look for an ev e nt war ning. You will find something, since there are many harmless such things on computers. He will instruct you how to get rid of these. The “technician” will instruct you to use a legitimate logmein123.comservice. This allows the hacker (because thats what the “technician”) is to gain remote access to systems that infect your computer with malware and takes as much personal information as they want off your computer, even before you hang up! That includes all banking information, credit cards, SS number and everything else about you. They will sometimes tell you your computer is about to crash so you will be frightened enough to cooperate. Their intent is to gather information about you and to leave behind malware. another thing they tell you is that they gained you name from your ISP. None of what they say is true, but they sound convincing.

Microsoft Does Not Contact Anyone without what is called a support ticket, and thy do not monitor the millions of computers in the world looking for signs of problems or infections. A phone call like this is a very big and dangerous hoax. When I told the man I was not going to do this until I checked with my provider and other sources, he thanked me for listening and said he was sorry I did not choose to use his help. All the time he was soft spoken and polite and sounded like he might be legitimate. These peopl are Not! Just hang up. After I hung up I thought of several things I hadn’t asked for, like how did he get my number and Name (he even knew my Name!!). Tomorrow I will tell the Town Watch leader about this, and maybe call the computer expert our township uses to monitor computer fraud, to tell him about his hoax. so, keep a watch. If some one wants information from you over the phone (surveys, credit card companies and such) tell them you will check thier reque st first and You will call Them back. Don’t fall for any phone scam, even requests for donations for police and firemen!

If you want to know more, just enter Windows scam and Goggle it up. There are explanations and warnings all over the internet.

I see these things all the time, and it has all the hallmarks of a hoax.  Bad English, confusing Windows (a program) with Microsoft (a company), surprise and alarm, and somehow the writer out-smarts the scammer and wins in the end. Pretty standard, and I wrote back to my friend saying as much.  That would seem to end things,  except for one thing.
Every word was absolutely true.  It actually happened. Not only did he have that happen to him, he didn’t just forward the e-mail, he actually wrote the whole damn thing.  Every word.  I was floored and my friend was pissed. Understandable, since I basically called him gullible and told him to check his facts without checking my own.
I learned my lesson, and hopefully you will too.  Even professional advice givers need to follow their own advice. No matter how stupid and far fetched a story it seems, depending on your friends, it could actually be true. Make sure you check your facts before you you hit send.

Off the Marky Mark

Marky Mark
Talent on Display

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a great guy, “Jonah,” for four months. We get along well and enjoy a lot of the same things. At times he can be jealous when other men notice me, but we have never had arguments about it. Only one thing about me really bothers him — it’s my infatuation with actor Mark Wahlberg.

Jonah is so upset about it he refuses to see any of Mark’s films with me and gets annoyed when I mention him. It irks me because I know being with Mark isn’t a realistic option, but Jonah acts like it is. What can I say to make him see that he (Jonah) is the only one I want to be with and Mark is just a fantasy? — STAR-CROSSED LOVER

Abby, apparently suffering from the same crush, responded with

DEAR STAR-CROSSED: You may have said too much already. Stop bringing up Mark Wahlberg and see his films in the company of your girlfriends. While Jonah may be a “great guy,” he appears to be somewhat insecure, which is why he becomes jealous when another man notices you. And insecure men can become irrational and controlling, so monitor his behavior and do not make any commitments until you both have matured.

You call yourself an advice expert and actually tell someone to go see a Mark Wahlberg film anyway?

Your boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with your fidelity.  It’s your judgement he’s got issues with.  You are swooning over an actor with the range of a baked potato. Sure, he has nice abs, but don’t you find his third nipple a little disturbing?

It is making your boyfriend insecure, because if you can overlook huge obvious flaws in Marky Mark, what are you overlooking in him? Guys need reassurance just as much as women, but when you show just obvious lack of judgement, it makes him have second thoughts about him, and you.

Everyone is entitled to a secret guilty pleasure.  Mine happens to be America’s Funniest Home Videos.  You have chosen to waste yours on the star of Planet of the Apes, I won’t stop you.  Just please, for all of our sakes, keep it to yourself.


Customers respond

Heloise passes on some “tips” from a salesperson.  I have tips of my own.

Dear Heloise: Regarding your question about salespeople, as a salesperson, I have some suggestions:

  • When I greet you, please have the courtesy to acknowledge me.
  • Keep food and drinks out of the store. Merchandise, carpeting, etc., can get ruined.
  • Escalators are machinery, not a toy. People stand by as kids go up and down. Kids can get hurt!
  • Carry your charge card with you. We waste a lot of time looking up accounts.
  • Carry ID in case you are asked for it. I don’t know who you are.
  • When buying gifts, know the person’s size. Don’t come in and try to guess.
  • All tags should be left on merchandise until you are sure you are keeping the item.
  • Please don’t use your cellphone when with a salesperson. Rude, rude, rude.
  • If someone helps you, make sure to give that person credit for the sale.
  • Don’t give me a $50 or $100 bill for a small purchase.

Thank you for letting me vent. I feel better. — A Frustrated Salesperson in Ohio

Agreed, as long as you do the following

  • If you don’t want our phone calls interrupting you, return the fucking favor and don’t answer yours.  We took the time to come in.
  • Asking if we need help once is courteous. Asking five times is harassment.
  • Admit you just sold me a piece of junk, and I’ll consider your extended warranty
  • Learn how to use your register.  It shouldn’t take three of you to void out the item you accidentally entered in twice.
  • If you lock items in a cabinet, do not play hide and seek when we need something from there… stay nearby.
  • Make sure you de-activate all alarm tags on things we buy.  Being stared at with suspicion isn’t fun when the alarm goes off as we leave.
  • If a shopping cart has less than 4 functioning wheels, get rid of it.
  • If your credit card terminal is down, put a sign on the front door, not at the register after I spent 40 minutes gathering things I apparently cannot buy.
  • Small, Medium, and Large are sizes. Venti, Tall, and Grande are not.

Thank you for letting me respond.  Your Frustrated Customer

One Line Wednesdays: Get It Right

Today’s One Line Wednesday™ comes from Dear Abby

Dear Abby:
I am 12 and in the eighth grade. I have thought about suicide many times, and earlier pulled out a knife and almost slit my wrists. If I tell my parents, they won’t believe me. They’ll think I’m making it up to get attention. If I talk to the school counselor, she’ll tell my parents for sure.
I’m afraid of myself when I’m home alone sometimes. Can you please help me? – Afraid of Myself, Pennsylvania


When you slit your wrists, remember it’s down the highway, not across the street


Each week, I select a letter for One Line Wednesday™ and skip the usual in-depth advice and gets right to the point in one word or sentence. Think you can do better? Submit your one line response below.  Who knows, maybe eventually there will be a prize for the best one. 

R.I.P. Maggie

From Dear Abby

Did I do that?

DEAR ABBY: When I was in fourth grade, I was a bully. I remember one girl, Margaret, whose life I made particularly miserable with verbal and physical abuse. Every time I did it, I immediately felt guilty because I saw how devastated and unhappy she was. I knew her pain because I had a rotten home life.

I grew up to be a responsible citizen and loving mother, but as I approach 80, I still wish I could tell Margaret how sorry I am. How do I resolve this? — FORMER BULLY IN ALBUQUERQUE

Abby says

DEAR FORMER BULLY: Because you know Margaret’s age and place of birth, try Googling her….

Abby, did you forget this broad is 80 years old? Teaching my 60 year old mother how to use a mouse ended up with such frustration and verbal abuse that we didn’t speak for a week and a half.  Rather than put Bully through the process of figuring out what a computer, the internet, and Google is, I thought I would help by doing some research.  This is what I found.

From the Albuquerque Gazette, June 5, 1949

Tragically, local girl Margaret Prudence McGullicutty’s life was cut short days after she graduated high school when she took her own life in what the county coroner described as “by far the most horrific means I’ve seen in over 20 years. This will haunt me to my own grave.”  Father, Abe, said “she had her entire life ahead of her, but she was haunted by feelings of worthlessness and shame.”  Adding to the shock, investigators found a blood soaked suicide note that said only, “I’m finally free of her torment”  Family and police are baffled as to who this mystery girl is who drove Margaret to such a desperate act. “She got along with everyone,” said her 6-year-old brother Thomas.  “Whoever this girl is, I hope she lives the rest of her life with the guilt over what she has done, and then rots in hell for eternity.” Funeral service will be held at St. Martin’s Church on Friday.

Well, Bully.  I hope you’re happy.


The Angle of the Dangle [NSFW]

Practically none of my posts are safe for work, so you know this is especially graphic when I put the NSFW tag on there.  From Savage Love:

Bigger Dick than you thinkI’m wondering whether you have any thoughts on the male tendency when sharing “naughty” photos to go straight for a close-up shot of the penis. Representative Anthony Weiner’s tweeting disaster has brought to mind a number of recent cases where high-profile men—such as Kanye West and Brett Favre—sent other women similar shots in an apparent attempt to seduce them. However, the response I’ve heard from women to such offerings can be summed up as “Ew, yuck!”

Do you have any insight on why some men think this sort of overture would work?
Totally Confused Female

Dan says:

… The cock-shot overture doesn’t work on most women, I’ll grant you, but the sort of guys who send cock shots aren’t interested in most women. They’re interested in the sort of women whom this sort of overture works on. And the sort of men who think only with their photogenic dicks—and not all men are that sort—figure the quickest way to determine if a woman is that sort of woman is to send the cock shot.

Guys are fascinated by penises.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet that more men checked out Weiner’s weiner than women.  It’s their favorite toy, and every guy thinks that their dick is a gift from god, and cannot help sharing it with the world.

That is not advice, though. That is common sense.  The real advice missing is not why guys take pictures of their junk, but HOW.  Chances are if you are a guy who wants to send willing (and un-willing) members of the opposite or same sex pictures of your junk, at least do it right.

The LAST thing you want to do is grab your camera, look down, and snap away. To explain why, I need to introduce to you the concept of foreshortening and is the main reason why you think your dick is shorter than it actually is.

I've provided the hand, you imagine the penis

Foreshortening, what any decent art school student can tell you, is quite literally a matter of perspective.  Foreshorenting means the size of an object’s dimensions along the line of sight are relatively shorter than dimensions across the line of sight. It also means that the object appears smaller as the distance from the object increases. What the hell does that mean?

It means that if it’s your dick, you’ve got the worst view possible.  You only see it from the top down from about 2 feet away.  The effect is worse if your erection is curved or angled upward. From your perspective, all the length is lost because of the angle. When you see it with your own eyes in 3D, your brain can mostly account for the effect, but a photograph is two dimensional.

This is why incidentally, most men when they see other dicks in the locker room or wherever (no judgement here) feel they don’t measure up.  There’s no such foreshortening effect, so very often it’ll look as though the other guy is slightly better endowed.  It’s not your dick size that is at issue, it’s your eyes.  Look at your own junk in the mirror, and notice how much bigger it looks.

So, what is the best angle?  Well, I can’t tell you, but I can show you.  Just kidding.  First, put the camera down and learn to use the timer. Taking a picture from the side or underneath will maximize the length.  To enhance the girth, slightly point the head toward the camera.  Find the angle that works best for your shape and size. He may have shown poor judgement all around, but I’ve seen the Congressman’s dick shot.  He at least got that right – the picture follows all the rules. It’s obvious he’d done that before.   Those you send it to may not be any more receptive, but at least they’ll be saying “My GOD” rather than “EEW”

Phoning it in.

Column like this are the reason why I think that anyone can do this job.

My Hero.. Captain Hero

DEAR ABBY: I have noticed over the past few decades that fewer and fewer people have heroes (I mean real heroes, not celebrities who are famous for being famous). Without positive role models to emulate, it’s no wonder the majority of our young people are losing their way.

– Alison Ashland, Ore.

Abby must have had some important things to do that day, cause she came up with this.

DEAR ALISON: I would nominate the New York City police and firefighters who searched for survivors after 9-11, the reporters at the New Orleans Times-Picayune who stayed at their posts to report the news after the terrible flood that decimated their city and the men and women in our military who put themselves at risk in service to our country.

Come on Abby. Can’t you put a little thought into your answer? Your heroes are the 9/11 workers and the troops.  Edgy. Do you also wish for “world peace” and “ending hunger”?  Valid though they are, your choices are no better than a second grader’s. This woman wrote for your expert advice, the least you could do is think about it for more than 2 seconds. You’re better than that.

For the record, my heroes are anyone who uses the bathroom right after my dad, little dogs whose owners dress them up in ridiculous outfits, and everyone on seasons 1-3 of Dirty Jobs.


Sex Addiction

Do not reproduce

Dear Abby:

I want to know if you can become addicted to drugs by having sex with an addict. Please don’t print my name because I live in a small, conservative community in Ohio.

Nameless in a Red State

So not only are you a Godless fornicator, but you lie down with drug addicts?   You don’t want me to print your name not because your small town community will know you have terrible taste in sexual partners, but because you don’t want your neighbors to know that you’re dumb as a box of hair.

If you need to ask that question, you are too stupid to be having sex.  But since you asked, I’ll answer it. Only if you do anal.


..and say 3 Hail Marys

Today’s letter comes from Ask Amy.

DEAR AMY: I have enough return address labels to last for 50 years, sent to me from charities wanting my support. Maybe I could use the labels to mail the charity calendars that are now accumulating. At least the labels last for more than a year!

I used to send a token donation to cover the value, on the theory that if I actually use the material it’s valid to send a contribution.

Now it’s gotten out of control, and if I don’t send any contribution I get a follow-up letter. I know these organizations need help, but you can’t support everything!

Do you have a nice, easy perspective on this less-than-earth-shattering issue? — Inundated With Mail

Not only do I have absolutely no sympathy for you, I also blame you for all the e-mail spam that I get in my inbox every day. It wouldn’t bother me so much if the spam didn’t insinuate that I had a tiny penis or  even worse, that my tiny penis needed a pill  to function properly.

Attack the source

Here’s a little economics lesson for you. The reason we get junk mail is because of weak willed bleeding hearts and morons respond to it. Even though 99% of the people hate it and ignore it, people like you – the other 1% –  make it worth their time and effort by giving them a donation. When you send out millions of mailings, 1% starts adding up to real money and makes up for the rest who chuck it in the garbage. It is the very definition of a few people ruining for the rest of us.

The absolute worst thing you can do is to respond to these things. Even if you just sent a thank you note instead of the donation, you’ve confirmed that you’re the type of person opens and reads their junk mail.  You managed to step up your level of stupidity by actually sending them money. Congratulations, you’ve now just confirmed that you’re a sucker. Your prize is that your info is shared with all the other marketing companies ensuring that you will get these mailings until you die or move, whichever comes first.

What does this have to do with the “Dr. Rockhard’s Boner juice” e-mails that I get? It’s because these charity label things have been around forever, and since idiots like you have proven that the method works, e-mail spammers  took that proven method and moved it into e-mail. The same benefit with 100th of the cost. Estimates are that 90-97% of all email sent is spam, and it’s all your fault.  Thanks a lot, douche.

Having been raised Catholic, I’m a firm believer that if you sinned,  you must perform penance.  Here is what you need to do to atone for the inconvenience that you brought upon yourself and everyone else on the planet.

The next time you get a letter from one of these charities, take it down to the local Kinko’s and make  as many copies as you have labels. Stuff each one in an envelope, use the labels that they kindly provided you, and mail the letter back to them. If you’re feeling particularly creative, also include some really hard core pornography in there as well to really get their attention.   The catch is that it every 50th or so envelope, you need to put a check for a small amount-no more than a dollar. After a while, though figure out that it’s costing them more money in terms of time and labor to open and process your envelopes than they get from you. If you do it right, they’ll be asking you to stop sending them mail. It may take a couple tries, but eventually I’m pretty sure the leave you alone and God willing the rest of us as well.