R.I.P. Maggie

From Dear Abby

Did I do that?

DEAR ABBY: When I was in fourth grade, I was a bully. I remember one girl, Margaret, whose life I made particularly miserable with verbal and physical abuse. Every time I did it, I immediately felt guilty because I saw how devastated and unhappy she was. I knew her pain because I had a rotten home life.

I grew up to be a responsible citizen and loving mother, but as I approach 80, I still wish I could tell Margaret how sorry I am. How do I resolve this? — FORMER BULLY IN ALBUQUERQUE

Abby says

DEAR FORMER BULLY: Because you know Margaret’s age and place of birth, try Googling her….

Abby, did you forget this broad is 80 years old? Teaching my 60 year old mother how to use a mouse ended up with such frustration and verbal abuse that we didn’t speak for a week and a half.  Rather than put Bully through the process of figuring out what a computer, the internet, and Google is, I thought I would help by doing some research.  This is what I found.

From the Albuquerque Gazette, June 5, 1949

Tragically, local girl Margaret Prudence McGullicutty’s life was cut short days after she graduated high school when she took her own life in what the county coroner described as “by far the most horrific means I’ve seen in over 20 years. This will haunt me to my own grave.”  Father, Abe, said “she had her entire life ahead of her, but she was haunted by feelings of worthlessness and shame.”  Adding to the shock, investigators found a blood soaked suicide note that said only, “I’m finally free of her torment”  Family and police are baffled as to who this mystery girl is who drove Margaret to such a desperate act. “She got along with everyone,” said her 6-year-old brother Thomas.  “Whoever this girl is, I hope she lives the rest of her life with the guilt over what she has done, and then rots in hell for eternity.” Funeral service will be held at St. Martin’s Church on Friday.

Well, Bully.  I hope you’re happy.


..and say 3 Hail Marys

Today’s letter comes from Ask Amy.

DEAR AMY: I have enough return address labels to last for 50 years, sent to me from charities wanting my support. Maybe I could use the labels to mail the charity calendars that are now accumulating. At least the labels last for more than a year!

I used to send a token donation to cover the value, on the theory that if I actually use the material it’s valid to send a contribution.

Now it’s gotten out of control, and if I don’t send any contribution I get a follow-up letter. I know these organizations need help, but you can’t support everything!

Do you have a nice, easy perspective on this less-than-earth-shattering issue? — Inundated With Mail

Not only do I have absolutely no sympathy for you, I also blame you for all the e-mail spam that I get in my inbox every day. It wouldn’t bother me so much if the spam didn’t insinuate that I had a tiny penis or  even worse, that my tiny penis needed a pill  to function properly.

Attack the source

Here’s a little economics lesson for you. The reason we get junk mail is because of weak willed bleeding hearts and morons respond to it. Even though 99% of the people hate it and ignore it, people like you – the other 1% –  make it worth their time and effort by giving them a donation. When you send out millions of mailings, 1% starts adding up to real money and makes up for the rest who chuck it in the garbage. It is the very definition of a few people ruining for the rest of us.

The absolute worst thing you can do is to respond to these things. Even if you just sent a thank you note instead of the donation, you’ve confirmed that you’re the type of person opens and reads their junk mail.  You managed to step up your level of stupidity by actually sending them money. Congratulations, you’ve now just confirmed that you’re a sucker. Your prize is that your info is shared with all the other marketing companies ensuring that you will get these mailings until you die or move, whichever comes first.

What does this have to do with the “Dr. Rockhard’s Boner juice” e-mails that I get? It’s because these charity label things have been around forever, and since idiots like you have proven that the method works, e-mail spammers  took that proven method and moved it into e-mail. The same benefit with 100th of the cost. Estimates are that 90-97% of all email sent is spam, and it’s all your fault.  Thanks a lot, douche.

Having been raised Catholic, I’m a firm believer that if you sinned,  you must perform penance.  Here is what you need to do to atone for the inconvenience that you brought upon yourself and everyone else on the planet.

The next time you get a letter from one of these charities, take it down to the local Kinko’s and make  as many copies as you have labels. Stuff each one in an envelope, use the labels that they kindly provided you, and mail the letter back to them. If you’re feeling particularly creative, also include some really hard core pornography in there as well to really get their attention.   The catch is that it every 50th or so envelope, you need to put a check for a small amount-no more than a dollar. After a while, though figure out that it’s costing them more money in terms of time and labor to open and process your envelopes than they get from you. If you do it right, they’ll be asking you to stop sending them mail. It may take a couple tries, but eventually I’m pretty sure the leave you alone and God willing the rest of us as well.