Facebook Ruins Another Life

Today’s Entry comes from Wayne and Tamara, who need some lessons in Facebook.


A Blight on Society

I need an outside opinion. I have been with my fiancé 10 years. He cheated with his high school sweetheart almost three years ago, before we became engaged. It was one of the most painful times in my life.

[To summarize in one sentence what it took her three paragraphs: They broke up, but got back together a year ago]

Four days ago my fiancé left for a mission to Haiti, and with his absence I learned I missed him and had truly forgiven him for the affair.

Later that evening I updated his Facebook FarmVille game, a pastime he and his daughter love to share daily. As I was going through all the gifts from his online friends so he would not lose points, I came across a message from who else but his high school sweetheart.

It was dated two weeks before, and she wanted to congratulate him on his engagement. She said she didn’t know about it because he didn’t tell her, and that was followed by question marks. I admit I then pulled all his Facebook messages to see if there were more. Nothing.

At first I was jealous, then I found myself wondering why he was still in touch with her after he promised not to. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t shed one tear. I just cannot believe I am here again with the same people!

I removed my ring and placed it in the jewelry box that night. I’m not sure I can get married in the eyes of God when I do not trust him.

Later that night I called my mother. She told me, “We all have to endure this in relationships.” My best friend says I have too much at stake to walk away, but I keep thinking about all the e-mails and letters from before. It’s as though it happened all over again.


Wayne and Tamara take up half their response telling a totally unrelated story about some other woman who basically was cheated on, and cried about it during a speech she was giving 20 years later.  They go on to say:

…You can have ideas of forgiveness, you can talk about setting boundaries, you can parrot the latest jargon in psychology. It doesn’t matter. Betrayal will affect you this way because this reaction is built into us.

We receive letters from people whose spouse was unfaithful 20, 30 or 40 years ago. We receive letters from people whose unfaithful spouse is long dead. They still struggle to cope with agonizing memories.

Your friend says you have too much at stake to walk away. Actually, there is too much at stake to stay.

This is just another example of how Facebook and Farmville destroy people’s lives.  One minute you’re spending real time feeding imaginary animals and plants, and the next you are thinking of backing out of a real relationship because of what essentially amounts to spam. Are you serious?

You say “I found myself wondering why he was still in touch with her after he promised not to.”  What makes you think that?  Your fiancee has no control over which random people he has left behind in his life will show up in his Facebook. No one does.  Based on her general cluelessness, his total lack of response, and zero other communications, it seems  like there has been no contact but her single intrusion. You should do what he obviously did, and ignore and forget about it.

He didn’t tell you about it, but that’s not hiding something from you, it’s hiding a nothing from you.  Yes, people who were unfaithful in the past should be a lot more transparent, but disclosures like this, which are meaningless to him and only serve to make you paranoid are probably best left unmentioned.

I think the real problem is that you discovered this while your fiancee was busy doing missionary work in another country.  I’m sure if he were there, this would be easily explained and be a non-issue.  But since you are alone, it’s left to stew in your mind and make you crazy.

My only advice to you then would be this.  If you can’t handle unwanted overtures on Facebook, the next time your fiancee is off feeding starving children, you let his virtual crops die.


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