Look out for Number 2

Dear Miss Manners:

Can you hear me now, bitch?

When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one’s “business”?

Wait to flush until the call finishes (who knows how long that would be?) or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It’s a dilemma.

When confronted with conflict, you have two choices: Diffuse or Escalate. I choose escalate here.  People who talk on the shitter need to be taught a lesson.

Bathrooms are generally quiet places, but have very specific sounds.  I would make those sounds as loud as I possibly could.  I would grunt and moan as if I am pushing out a turd the size of a watermelon.  Throw in some grunts and moans, as well as a few “Oh GODs!”  Stomp your feet on the ground – really get into it. If you have to pee, stand on top of the toilet and aim for the deep water to really get some volume going.

Channel your inner third grader and rip the most tremendous armpit farts you can, or go for the gold and use your hand against your mouth.  I would borrow a phrase from shady politics “flush early and often.”

You know you’re doing a good job if someone else in the bathroom asks “Good God, are you alright???” Don’t go too far though.  EMT’s in general are pretty easy going, but don’t like having their time wasted.

Oh, and be sure to hit the jet-engine style hand dryer on the way out.