Phoning it in.

Column like this are the reason why I think that anyone can do this job.

My Hero.. Captain Hero

DEAR ABBY: I have noticed over the past few decades that fewer and fewer people have heroes (I mean real heroes, not celebrities who are famous for being famous). Without positive role models to emulate, it’s no wonder the majority of our young people are losing their way.

– Alison Ashland, Ore.

Abby must have had some important things to do that day, cause she came up with this.

DEAR ALISON: I would nominate the New York City police and firefighters who searched for survivors after 9-11, the reporters at the New Orleans Times-Picayune who stayed at their posts to report the news after the terrible flood that decimated their city and the men and women in our military who put themselves at risk in service to our country.

Come on Abby. Can’t you put a little thought into your answer? Your heroes are the 9/11 workers and the troops.  Edgy. Do you also wish for “world peace” and “ending hunger”?  Valid though they are, your choices are no better than a second grader’s. This woman wrote for your expert advice, the least you could do is think about it for more than 2 seconds. You’re better than that.

For the record, my heroes are anyone who uses the bathroom right after my dad, little dogs whose owners dress them up in ridiculous outfits, and everyone on seasons 1-3 of Dirty Jobs.


Close Reading: Deja Vu

Time for another Close Reading, where I don’t even wait until the end to give my advice. This one comes from Dear Abby.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help with a problem I’m having with my husband, “Fred.” (I’ll bet he’s cheating) He is very territorial over his laptop and other personal items such as his phone. (Not looking good) It is so bad that I’m not even allowed to hold his phone – even if he is trying to show me a video on it. (Strike Two) His laptop is password-protected. (Yeah, he’s cheating)

I have asked Fred numerous times why so much privacy, and he says, “Because these things are mine. (Translation: I don’t want you to catch me cheating) I feel as if he is hiding something. (another woman) I know I shouldn’t be paranoid (oh hell yes you should), but since he was unfaithful in the past (Wait.. WHAT??), I have my suspicions. (It’s happened before and you still don’t see it??) Please let me know what I can do to solve this (Not what you did last time – it didn’t work). – Left Out in Little Rock (Put him out)


She Can Smell Fear

Dr. Joyce Brothers advises a dead man.

Man up, you pussy

Dear Dr. Brothers: My wife is pregnant with our first child. I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m feeling really unappreciated as a father-to-be. I know pregnancy is hard, and my wife’s emotions and state of mind are important to the well-being of our child, but she completely dismisses me every time I try to talk to her about what I’m

going through, especially when I’m feeling nervous about the prospect of raising a child. How can I make her see that my feelings matter too? — C.J.

Dr. Brothers offers the following advice:

Dear C.J.: With all the changes that your wife is going through, both physically and emotionally, as well as the focus on the birth process itself, it can be easy to forget that her feelings aren’t the only important ones. While your concern for your wife is important, it’s equally important to address your own feelings, both positive and negative. Lots of men feel as if sharing their fears or anxieties about pregnancy will only add to their wife’s burdens, but this likely isn’t the case. Your wife probably is nervous herself, but voicing your concerns will help you become a more involved and better father.

You can express to your wife that you are concerned about her and her feelings, but shrugging off your own fears isn’t doing any good. You also can talk to other fathers-to-be, or check out any of the many books and online resources for expectant fathers. Doing this research with your wife might help her see that there are plenty of concerns unique to new dads, and it might validate the feelings you’ve shared with her. You also should be sure to share not only your negative feelings, but also your excitement and positive feelings with your wife on an ongoing basis. Make sure that listening to you doesn’t turn into a string of complaints, but rather is a productive discussion about your future together as a family.

Dr. Brothers is certainly well-intentioned, but let’s be honest.  She hasn’t been pregnant since the Eisenhower administration. Doctors smoked in the delivery room.  Nurses and stewardesses were still attractive and young. In other words, it was a different era.



It’s 2011 and women have changed.  Ignore everything she said and listen to me very, very carefully.  For God’s sake, and your own personal safety, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT.

I understand why you think your feelings  matter, but they don’t.  Not for the next nine months. Complaining to her about your feelings is like expecting sympathy over a stubbed toe from a guy in a wheelchair.  Your problems are not playing the same sport, let alone in the same league.



Your job is to be supportive and nurturing and assuage her fears, not dumping your own on top of the pile.  You need to remember that for the nine months of her pregnancy, that is not your wife.  It is a violent, dangerous animal that will attack with the least bit of provocation.  You only have two functions. Tell her she is still attractive and get her things she wants.

Sure you can talk about this to a therapist, but for something temporary like this, save your money. You’ll get the same results at a fraction of the price from any decent bartender. Just make sure to not forget to pick up whatever random thing your wife needs from the store on the way home. Emergency room visits are expensive.

Look out for Number 2

Dear Miss Manners:

Can you hear me now, bitch?

When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one’s “business”?

Wait to flush until the call finishes (who knows how long that would be?) or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It’s a dilemma.

When confronted with conflict, you have two choices: Diffuse or Escalate. I choose escalate here.  People who talk on the shitter need to be taught a lesson.

Bathrooms are generally quiet places, but have very specific sounds.  I would make those sounds as loud as I possibly could.  I would grunt and moan as if I am pushing out a turd the size of a watermelon.  Throw in some grunts and moans, as well as a few “Oh GODs!”  Stomp your feet on the ground – really get into it. If you have to pee, stand on top of the toilet and aim for the deep water to really get some volume going.

Channel your inner third grader and rip the most tremendous armpit farts you can, or go for the gold and use your hand against your mouth.  I would borrow a phrase from shady politics “flush early and often.”

You know you’re doing a good job if someone else in the bathroom asks “Good God, are you alright???” Don’t go too far though.  EMT’s in general are pretty easy going, but don’t like having their time wasted.

Oh, and be sure to hit the jet-engine style hand dryer on the way out.

Family Planning

From Ask Carolyn:

My boyfriend says that, as of now, he doesn’t think he’ll want to have kids. (We’re both in our early 20s.) I know I do want kids, and I know “Eli” would be a great husband and father if he gave himself the chance. I think he might change his mind, and he acknowledges that indeed he might.

We love each other, share the same values and are really great friends. How long should I wait to see if Eli actually will change his mind? One year? Five years? What’s realistic? I want this to work, but I don’t want to wait forever if the same deal-breaker is at the end of the tunnel.

Wanting a child is a perfectly natural thing for a woman. It’s called the maternal instinct.  Men, who lack this instinct, see pregnancy as the beginning of hormone swings, body changes, late night feedings, diapers, college tuition and it scares the ever living shit out of them. Sure, they look forward to their woman’s boobs getting bigger, but mostly, kids are the end of freedom.  Men don’t want to have kids because they themselves are really just overgrown children… until they have kids.

What men have is the paternal instinct, which basically consists of wanting to put their penis inside you.  This, as you learned in sex-ed, is how babies are made.

It's a miracle!

I’ll tell you what Carolyn and everyone else knows, but is too responsible to actually say. There is no need to wait. You don’t technically need his permission to have his kid.  Not really. To put it another way, accidents happen, especially the ones we help happen.

Not that I would advocate such behavior, but condoms aren’t 100% effective. Especially when they are stabbed with a safety pin a few dozen times.  You have no idea how easy it is to mistake tic tacs for birth control pills.

Since you know that he will be a good father, it’s not really wrong to help nature along. You’re helping him reach his full potential.  Nothing wrong with that. You’ll be closer. Not just physically and emotionally, but financially and legally.  I’m sure even if he finds out that you had a helping hand in the unexpected bundle of joy, mother’s instinct is never wrong.

Fair warning though, your man can read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” from cover to cover and the only thing he’ll retain is “your boobs will get bigger”

One Line Wednesday: It All Evens Out

Today’s One Line Wednesday™ comes from Dear Abby

Flower Girl Facepalm

Dear Abby:

My daughter was asked to be the flower girl in the wedding of a friend. We were delighted for her to be a part of the wedding — that’s not the problem.

We attended the bridal shower last week, and I lent a helping hand with some of the duties. When the shower was winding down, the maid of honor approached me and asked me to “settle up” for the party. She announced that my part of the shower was in excess of $100. I was stunned. I have never heard of the flower girl being financially responsible for a bridal shower at the ripe old age of 5.

What should I do? Not a Bridesmaid



Send the maid of honor a bill in the exact amount for “Flower Girl Rental”


Each week, I select a letter for One Line Wednesday™ and skip the usual in-depth advice and gets right to the point in one word or sentence. Think you can do better? Submit your one line response below.  Who knows, maybe eventually there will be a prize for the best one.

Two Birds with One Stone (it’s a pun)

Today’s question comes from Wayne and Tamara.  They are relationship counselors with syndicated columns runs in newspapers in over a dozen countries.

Keep your friends close, but not too close

My husband and I have been married a year, together for seven. Recently we came to a bump in our relationship where we noticed we were drifting apart. We are working on reconnecting.

The problem is my husband tells his close friends about everything, including our lack of connection. I was surprised he revealed such intimate details.

I find it hard to hang around his friends when they come to our house. I wonder how much they know. The real kicker is one of his best friends is a nice woman who I’ve long suspected has a crush on my husband.

When I am out of town at conferences or working long hours to support him through school, these two hang out, go for coffee or watch movies at her apartment.

I truly believe he is oblivious to this woman’s advances, but something feels off about the whole scenario, like when he forgot my birthday but made a birthday card for her. I just wish I had the closeness he seems to have with his friends.

Calling your husband obilivous is like the pot calling the kettle black. People don’t drift apart.  They drift from someone to someone else. In your case that someone else is this other woman. Bitch needs to get gone.

Usually at this point, I have to tell people like you that your partner is cheating, but this is a close one. Your letter doesn’t have the usual red flags.. but there is cause for concern.

He really does have one ball.

Here’s how you kill two (love)birds with one stone.  Arrange a get together with him and his friends, including this woman.  Pick a fight with your husband, during which you should comment how he is “half a man who only has one ball (get it.. one stone).”  At this point, watch the woman’s reaction.  If she looks really confused, then she knows first hand you’re lying.  If she looks surprised, she probably hasn’t gotten to him yet,  and probably bought you a bit more time.  Follow that up with “still think sharing intimate details is a good idea?” and it should quickly put the issue to rest.

Sex Addiction

Do not reproduce

Dear Abby:

I want to know if you can become addicted to drugs by having sex with an addict. Please don’t print my name because I live in a small, conservative community in Ohio.

Nameless in a Red State

So not only are you a Godless fornicator, but you lie down with drug addicts?   You don’t want me to print your name not because your small town community will know you have terrible taste in sexual partners, but because you don’t want your neighbors to know that you’re dumb as a box of hair.

If you need to ask that question, you are too stupid to be having sex.  But since you asked, I’ll answer it. Only if you do anal.


Don’t get Hacken-sacked

Dear Abby:

Ever since my boss learned we live close to each other (about 15 minutes between us), he has asked me for a ride home every day. The ride is about 45 minutes. How do I tell him “no” without getting fired? Help!

Had It in Hackensack

Abby Says

Make yourself less available for taxi service. Start filling your calendar with errands, appointments and social engagements after work. You can’t be fired for having a schedule other than straight to work and straight home.

If this were a co-worker it would be easy.  Just drive like a maniac, blast shitty music, and fill your car with garbage that they’ll fear tetanus. But this is your boss, so you need something that will not get your ass fired.

Abby’s advice is good – if you want to buy yourself a week of freedom. I suspect its effectiveness will be short-lived.  Here’s why.  Your boss is a total asshole but he’s not stupid.  He’ll most likely casually inquire about your after work plans before asking for a ride. Unless you’re good enough to have a new excuse for the rest of your working days, you’ll eventually run out and have to take him.

What you need to do is graciously accept his offer for you to be his chauffeur, but rather than tell him you have errands beforehand, wait until you’re in the car before mentioning that you have “one quick stop” to make.  Gradually increase the duration and complexity of these errands. I give it a week before he gets tired of waiting while you get your dry cleaning, oil changed, and pick up a few groceries.

He’ll catch on pretty quick that your ride home takes more time and hassle than his old way, and he’ll leave you the hell alone and go back to whatever he did before.  He can’t complain because he won’t want to sound like an ungrateful jerk.  After all, it’s only a few quick stops.

If that doesn’t work, I’m afraid your only option is to move.

Better than NyQuil

Today’s One Line Wednesday™ comes courtesy of Dear Abby:

Show some restraint

I am 13 and in the eighth grade. I have always had trouble sleeping. Every night it takes me an hour to fall asleep, and lately I haven’t been able to sleep at all. I have started taking pills that make you drowsy so I can get some sleep. My mom doesn’t know about the pills. I’m scared to keep on doing this. I have told my mom about my sleep problem, and she tells me to read. She won’t take me to the doctor because she thinks my problem is normal. Abby, this isn’t normal.

What can I do? Sleepless in Oklahoma

This problem will go away when you discover masturbation


Each week, I select a letter for One Line Wednesday™ and skip the usual in-depth advice and gets right to the point in one word or sentence. Think you can do better? Submit your one line response below.  Who knows, maybe eventually there will be a prize for the best one.